All I've Ever Wanted is This Moment

It is good to be okay

All I ever wanted was this moment. The moment where you look around and realize that you may, in fact, be living in the moment you have dreamt of. Maybe not even dreamt. How about the moment packed away in your subconscious. The one that only God is privy to. There is this corny - but appallingly true - saying in recovery: “A life beyond your wildest dreams”. This is one of those pretty lines found in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous that makes you go, “Damn. Really?” or “Bullshit” or you toss the book in the trash and go get high - do not suggest the latter. At any rate, there is a moment; a moment packed away in your consciousness, a moment that your life wants to embody. The mass of life is begging to be animated by the stored energy of this hidden moment. I saw this moment last night. I lived it. Hell, I am living it.

I was in my garage making new custom shirts for FTG. I have a small screen printing set up. I am still learning the nuts and bolts of the process. But, I have enough skill to make some dope gear as of now. Anyways, I was vibing. Spotify was shuffling just right. I was happy with how the shirts were taking form. Celine (my girlfriend) was hanging out taking random videos for content.

We were screwing around laughing. My cat Shadow was hanging out - with a thick ass GPS collar on because her dumbass got lost for 2.5 weeks when we moved into our new spot - while all this was going down. I took a moment to look around. After a pause I said to Celine: “This is all I have ever wanted”. Nothing grand is happening. Actually, quite the opposite. A marvel in the ordinary of a moment. I am not making a shit ton of money. Financial insecurity is a little too close of a friend than I’d like. I am not driving a sick car. I am still renting a house. I do not own any assets. And my lower back hurts most of the time. Yet, I am one happy son of a bitch. Eh, let us stay away from the word “happy”. More so, I am radically okay. Like, ridiculously okay. The “okay” that if you knew how “okay” I was it would piss you off. Real talk, there was a long period of my life when I was not okay. Ever. Heroin addiction is one hell of a Monster. All I ever wanted was to be okay. These are the moments of “beyond my wildest dreams”. They are infused with the substance of “Okayness”.